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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Do i feel any different?

This is one of those questions that EVERYONE seems to throw at me since Elliot's arrival. My initial response was pretty short and succinct. But I've had a few days to think about exactly what's happened so far and whether i really do feel any different now I'm a father.
Yesterday i changed my answer slightly, i told Dom (and i quote) "I've had nine months to get used to the idea of being a father, if i wasn't ready now i doubt i ever would be."
and I've spent the evening thinking upon that. I would guess the truthful answer to the question is quite simple, it's a one word response beginning with Y and ending with S, but that really doesn't quite get to the heart of the question. It doesn't even give people an answer that they can dissect or consider.
However It's deeper that that, much deeper, you see the answer I've been giving is No. And even now five days in i am still sticking to my guns and saying No, i feel no different at all. The fact is that i have felt the way i do today about Elliot since the day i found out she'd been conceived. I really can't be any more truthful than that. To expand on what i said to Dom, i think it's just a case of saying. No, I do not feel any different than i did before she was born. But i will freely admit that whilst i do not feel different, i do think differently.
I think more about what can i do that will make her or Billie more comfortable, i ponder upon what more i can do to help them both, i wonder what she will look like in 1 week, 3 months, 12 months, 4 years, her 18'th birthday.
I look into her eyes and i know that i am going to be the most weak willed father there is, no matter what she wants, she can have it.
But no, i do not feel differently, i felt this way since the second i was told we were having a baby.

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